The Chickenista

Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wordless Wednesday?? HA!

Yeah right wordless, today is the first day of school. So its gonna be anything but wordless......

So, Ive been slowly gathering everything and putting away, organizing, planning......Thinking oh Ive got a month, I got weeks.... I got days before school....ITS HERE!! Its TODAY! Am I ready??? Hell yea! Woo Hoo!!!

Ive enjoyed summer. No schedule, no bedtimes, whatever goes.... Now Ive gotta get these kids butts in gear for the new year. Something about schooling them is just friggin awesome. And no matter what the subject or grade lvl, I still find stuff I didn't know. It occupies my time too quite nicely. LOL pft! Yea that part not so much. I'd like to have 6 free hours a day.... well maybe not that much I wouldn't know what to do with myself. But maybe per week would be awesome!

Ive made a promise to the kids...This year is going to be packed with more laughs, tons more fun, definitely more craziness and we may learn some new shit! HA! We're gonna have fights yes, we always do. There will be tough love, but its with love. We have a newbie in the class, sort of. Baby Lady Catie will begin Pre-K. So thats Pre-K, 1st, 4th and 6th! WOW! What the H-E-Double Sippy Straws am I thinking right?!?!

Happy Wordless Wednesday!

BEST PART OF HOME SCHOOL??? You always sit at the cool table during lunch!

HAPPY BACK TO SCHOOL THOSE WHO START ☺

I'm Talking In Text Now...Someone Shoot Me!

Ok, my sister and me have, on occasion, been sitting (in person) talking and instead of laughing we say LOL LOL...... But I hear myself more and more text talking, "tauxing"... I went into my bedroom and the kids DEEEEmolished it!!! Popcorn everywhere! Pillows thrown, blankets off the bed. The kids just kicking back watching TV..'Who cares it's Mom's room' probably what they're thinking...

So what do I yell???? "OMG GUYS!..."

I don't even have a cell phone!

Please shoot me.... I finally started talking like an adult again. (Kids aren't babies so no more baby talk.) And here I am tauxing....like a nerd. Cause you know it ain't cool to hear a 30 something old women yell out "OMG! I just love those shoes!"

Am I too lazy to say actual words? TMI, BTW, LOL, OMG, how busy am I that I can't. It's actually hard to stop.. I've been trying! I can't quit! OMG guys HELP!

Steps To Motherhood

Motherhood

All we can think about for those 9 months is who will my beautiful new baby look like. I can't wait to wrap my arms around them and just snuggle them.

We rock them and sing them to sleep the sweetest songs. Holding them and dreaming of what it will be like to raise them into a successful adult.

Then......................

They eat.... Boy can they EAT!! You'll find yourself shopping for groceries and spending more time in the store than you spend with any other human on earth! The clerk knows you better than your husband. And if your kids are anything like mine the clerk already knows what to put back... The 50 candy bars that "mysteriously" end up on your order..

Us moms can do it all. And we want to. You'll find yourself just waiting for the summer months you can BBQ...why?? Well silly, because after spending your paycheck on all those groceries only about half actually make it into their mouths. The rest end up on your freshly mopped floor. Outside well... get a dog. They NEVER go hungry!

Your purse sort of becomes your second medicine cabinet. Everything from neosporin and band aids to aspirins and wet naps. Making finding your keys almost a miracle!!

Kids love helping around the house.... You'll find them wanting to help in the most weirdest of ways. Like washing money cause your constantly saying "Don't put that dirty money in your mouth!" Oh you'd be surprised at the things you'll find in that washer!

Ah yes, Motherhood.... Its a wonderful idea.

What makes us keeping going is simple. Kids rock, ~~especially the ones you can give back to their parents.~~ They are a reflection of ourselves, ~~so if we don't like what we see well~~.... Plus, you know we all gotta get old and we need someone there to change our diapers eventually!

Have A Rockin' Mothers Day Weekend!!

Mothers Day Re-Post

Aprils almost at an end and do you know whats coming up??? You better know! It's our day Whoo Hoo! I don't have many male readers but nevertheless, I'm posting a "what the hell was he thinking post."

After all we ladies do for our men and kids...

After:
-the months of being uncomfortable and clumsy,
-the hours of childbirth,
-the years of never-ending laundry,
-diapers,
-puke,
-being peed on, (those boys I swear aim right for the face but then cant hit a toliet?)
-the hemmoroids,
-the stretch marks,
-baby proofing,
-the screaming and crying,
-multi-middle-of-the-night wake up calls,
-swaddling,
-breast feeding,
-fixing up broken toys & broken hearts,
-the thousands of band aids and neosporin
-the trips to the dr's to remove something you still can't figure out how they got it in there let alone why??

After all this and much much more we are rewarded for our hardwork with a day...One measley 24 hour period.

But we're gratful nonetheless. And boy do I look forward to it!

So why do guys notoriously mess this day up?? My Hubby's great about "my" days but there have been times I've ask "What the hell were you thinking?? This is MY day not YOURS"

Here's some Dontcha even think about it!

10. Don't take us to the lake to fish save that for your day
09. Don't buy a cheap-last-minute-make-no-sense-pertaining-to-us card! We're not old people sitting on a bench!
08. Don't buy those cheesy little off the street bouquets on your way home, buy my favorite flowers
07. Don't buy the mothers ring that was on "sale". Put out the extra dough for our kids birth stones (if ya don't know.. ask)
06. Save the "Greatest Mom in the World" cup for your kids to give. I'm not your Mom.
05. Don't take me to your favorite resturant. Save the Hooters trip for your day
04. A gun safe really isn't a good Mothers Day gift. Yes it's keeps the kids safer but this is MY day. Momma don't want no gun safe!
03. Don't leave the kids with me all day. Yes, I became of Mother because of them but don't mean I wanna spend the whole day with em
02. Don't not wake me up before 9am unless you have breakfast in bed planned. My day. I sleep in.
01. Don't forget the day! Write it on a post it and glue it to your forehead if thats what it takes. Put this day: May 9 in your blackberry. Have a friend remind you. Unless that friend is a man then your just screwed.

Mothers Day Post... Chickenista Style

It's coming! The mother of all days, the day you better have marked on your calendar. ... (Psst.... it's this Sunday) Mothers Day! Woot woot! My favorite of days. Not just because I get breakfast in bed (maybe), not because its my lazy day (yea right), not because I get fab flowers and gifts (LOL Pft!).. No, because I have the best Mom in the world!! And I get to be a dork about it!

Ive written a couple of posts on my Mom... In case you missed them or whatever, here is the jest. My Mom was a SAHM, she taught me everything I know. From tying my shoes to how to be an awesome Mom (I still have a lot to learn). Shes a rock. Strongest woman I know. These past years Moms been sick. She has Diabetes and complications from that. Put it this way, Im grateful each day Im blessed to have her. I know this disease basically there is no recovering just maintaining and adjusting. I've watched her go from never sitting down to bed ridden. It literally takes you piece by piece.

But...this isnt gonna be a sad post. Your thankful for what God gives you and try your hardest to understand what he doesn't.

I think after having been a Mom for the last *ahem* years I have a little advice in me for those new moms or those wanting to become a Mom.

Things You Need To Know Before..

Can you function on two hours of ~~quality~~ sleep?

Can you function with only having sex a couple of times a ~~week~~ ~~month~~ ..... hmmm.... 18 years is a long time.

Can you handle blood and guts, bumps, bruises, bones sticking out?

The word Mom is like music to your ears IF that music is turned all the way up and stuck on repeat....and follows you everywhere.

Can you poop with an audience... yes they even follow you in there.

There are no refunds or exchanges.

Can you multi-task? I dont mean text while you shop. I mean showering while making dinner, changing a diaper, breaking up a fight and nurse?

Can you go hours a day without using correct grammar?

You Know Your An Experienced Mom When....

Your kids obviously about to fall and you sit back and just wait so you can you the phrase, "I told you not to climb it!"

Your kid gets a bump and you pull out frozen peas, because you dont waste your money on the silly ice packs no more.

Who ever gets you what you need done first becomes your favorite. And your not ashamed to tell the other kids.

You no longer worry and leave phone numbers and emergency contacts with your babysitter. You just run out the door and yell, "Dial 911 if you need anything!"

Advice from and Mom to her daughter:
this portion is an exert from here

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Priceless.

Secret Confessions: The Man I Wish I Was Married To!

Like most married women, or maybe just me, I sometimes regret the person I chose to marry. Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking of the "what could have been".... I know this man I should of married isn't exactly "handsome" but damn it he's funny as all get out! He's perfect too. He hardly talks, more of like a silent type I guess you could say. But that just means he's a good listener....My husband has no idea I fantasize about this guy so hopefully he skips this post. *fingers crossed*

It all started back in highschool.... I was a young girl, he was an older man. It was all very wrong.

So I stumbled upon this website that lets you find out the "what could have been"....... What would our baby look like if I was his Mrs....What did I miss out on all these years.

And I did it!! Check out Me, Mrs. Mr Bean, Mr. Bean and our baby Bean................................

MORPHTHING.COM

How sweet

How friggin hilarious! Had you going didn't I! muahhhaahahh Here's some others I morphed:

I think Taylor Swift and Eminem should get together:

And since Oprah sooo in love with Obama I thought hmmm I wonder....

Not bad not bad now lets get a little creative shall we......

Stillllll Hmmmmm Who else.... Oooh I know

There now everyone's curiosity is at ease... Ahhh.

Must be Valentines Day approaching with all this love in the air!♥♥♥♥

Je t'aime Mon Cheri

February 1, 2010

I can copy and paste way better than I could ever say that! That is, of course, "I love you my darling," in French. A semester of French in college and I had to google that!

Today kicks off one of my favorite months of the year. "The Love Month"! After being together over 10 *ahem* years(Wow has it been that long!), I think Hubby and I are pretty comfortable with each other and what not. Sometimes too comfortable if you know what I mean. Like ok, sometimes I wear his underwear... And sometimes I don't shave my legs for days... And sometimes I wear his old shirt and sweats to bed... And sometimes I throw my hair up in a bun instead of combing it...And sometimes I wonder what the hells wrong with me, he should be running for hills! But thats love. ♥True Love♥

So, we get this great day once a year to show we're still digging each other in a bad way. I know you should do little sweet things throughout the year, yea yea yea. But this day is extra special! Of course, I have no clue what I'm doing for him this year. It's on a Sunday this year and he works nights, so will probably save Date Night for his days off.... How many of you already have plans and reservations?? I'm such a slacker. Anyone slacking like me?

Things That Make You Go "Hmm?"

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Monday Blues

♥Just something to bring you up if your having a Blue Monday♥

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom........

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, and I don't know what got into me, but
I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"

♥I just hate when people use their cellphones anywhere but sometimes it turns out too funny to believe♥

The BEST Prank Call

I Got Your Funny Right Here

I can't even begin to tell you how angry I'd be at my Hubby if he tried this!!

Too funny and the music is just perfect with it!!

Didn't you just love them! So sweet.

Have A Great Friday All!

"You Stink Mom!"

So the boys and I made up this new Holiday called "opposite day". They saw it on some cartoon and thought we need this in our lives! So I agreed May 1st would be the day for this "holiday". Well, I've heard mean things fly all day long followed by tiny giggles. But now I'm thinking "maybe it's their free day to tell mom what they really think".

What The Hell Was He Thinking??

Aprils almost at an end and do you know whats coming up??? You better know! It's our day Whoo Hoo! I don't have many male readers but nevertheless, I'm posting a "what the hell was he thinking post."

After all we ladies do for our men and kids...

After:
-the months of being uncomfortable and clumsy,
-the hours of childbirth,
-the years of never-ending laundry,
-diapers,
-puke,
-being peed on, (those boys I swear aim right for the face but then cant hit a toliet?)
-the hemmoroids,
-the stretch marks,
-baby proofing,
-the screaming and crying,
-multi-middle-of-the-night wake up calls,
-swaddling,
-breast feeding,
-fixing up broken toys & broken hearts,
-the thousands of band aids and neosporin
-the trips to the dr's to remove something you still can't figure out how they got it in there let alone why??

After all this and much much more we are rewarded for our hardwork with a day...One measley 24 hour period.

But we're gratful nonetheless. And boy do I look forward to it!

So why do guys notoriously mess this day up?? My Hubby's great about "my" days but there have been times I've ask "What the hell were you thinking?? This is MY day not YOURS"

Here's some Dontcha even think about it!

10. Don't take us to the lake to fish save that for your day
09. Don't buy a cheap-last-minute-make-no-sense-pertaining-to-us card! We're not old people sitting on a bench!
08. Don't buy those cheesy little off the street bouquets on your way home, buy my favorite flowers
07. Don't buy the mothers ring that was on "sale". Put out the extra dough for our kids birth stones (if ya don't know.. ask)
06. Save the "Greatest Mom in the World" cup for your kids to give. I'm not your Mom.
05. Don't take me to your favorite resturant. Save the Hooters trip for your day
04. A gun safe really isn't a good Mothers Day gift. Yes it's keeps the kids safer but this is MY day. Momma don't want no gun safe!
03. Don't leave the kids with me all day. Yes, I became of Mother because of them but don't mean I wanna spend the whole day with em
02. Don't not wake me up before 9am unless you have breakfast in bed planned. My day. I sleep in.
01. Don't forget the day! Write it on a post it and glue it to your forehead if thats what it takes. Put this day: May 10 in your blackberry. Have a friend remind you. Unless that friend is a man then your just screwed.

Where The Hell Did You Come From?

And what the hell happened to you two???

Yes, it's gonna be one of those posts.

Every girl over the age of 30, I'd say, knows damn well you don't go starring straight into a mirror first thing in the morning! You just don't. Morning light plus just waking up equals a bad start. Theres a certain regimine you must follow!

You find things you never seen before.... some things have moved! Its just all around a bad idea!

So what the H-E-Double sippy straws was I thinking this morning?

It always starts out harmless enough. You glance up... but your eyes lock on to something. That makes you curious. So you start purposely searching for more.....Before you know it, it's been a hour, people are wondering what happened to you and your on the floor in the bathroom, in a ball, sobbing "where did it all go wrong".....

Ok maybe not that dramatic. But it really brings your morning pep down! When I say pep I mean coffee buzz.

I won't gross you out with my findings, but lets just say purdy just don't happen anymore.

I guess chin hairs are next! WooHoo!

Mr. Tax and His Family

This is a story about the ever so used, ever so popular, ever so needed "Mr. Tax" and his family. The Tax Family begins their journey in a forest. The worker who cuts down the tree has Tax come out of his check. This is Payroll Tax. The company that hired the worker had another one of his family members taken away he is Business Tax. Again we see Payroll Tax when we meet the trucker who delivers the tree to a plant. And once again we see Business Tax and Payrol Tax at the plant. Once the lumber is ready to be delivered to a site we see our old friend Payroll with the other truck driver. Finally it's at the store ready for the builder and we meet Sales Tax. Once the finished house is ready, we meet another Tax, Real Estate Tax. Are we done yet...of course not, more of Mr. Tax's Family awaits....When the homeowner receives a yearly letter we meet Property Tax. And finally when we die we'll still have a Tax to see... The Death Tax.

After that??? It's sold again and we get to meet all those Tax Family members all over again.

One tree. Thousands of dollars.

"Mommy, what's Easter?"

"How come bunnies only lay eggs on Easter?" "And why do we paint them" "Will our bunnies lay eggs?" Why does the "Easter Bunny give us stuff like Santa?" And how does it all tie in to being the celebration of the Resurrection of Christ?

Ya know what, I have no clue! But I know who does... this wonderful tool we all use... the web!
So before I start telling my kids the answers to some of those questions I thought I'd look 'em up! If you don't know well ya might after reading this post.

Lets start with the easiest 'What is Easter?'

It's the Christians way of celebrating of the Resurrection of Christ, but it pre dates Christianity so theres more...
Easter derives its name from Eostre a goddess of spring.

'Where do the eggs come from?'
Apparently eggs were prohibited during lent in Medieval Europe so they would boil them to preserve. So they were the main meal for Easter and gifts for children and servants.
Also, because spring brings new life and eggs are considered symbols of fertility they went together nicely.
Some Christians would paint the eggs bright red to symbolize the blood of Jesus.

"Why is there a bunny?"
Again they symbolize fertility. Germans were the first to initiate the bunny laying the eggs for children to find them. The immigrants from Germany who settled in Pennsylvania brought this tradition with them.

So I guess I found out a little. Its about celebrating the new life of all on this beautiful planet. Thats kinda neat......

I love finding all my answers with the click of the mouse! Now when the kids ask "but why" in that whinny voice, I can sit them down and have them read the many pages I just printed out for them. Score one for Momma! Maybe I'll quiz them too.... Just kidding. I love the childs endless fascination with everything. Its a new world for them and just because I've settled on the old fashioned "Just because" doesn't mean I have to let them. Plus look, I learned something too!

Now to find where the heck they came up with 'Baby New Year'..........

Our Lord and Savior,
We thank thee for bearing that cross for us. For showing your love for us. Through you we have life. With you we are strong. You are the begining and you are the ending. Lord we ask you to bless those less fortunate and forgive those who do not know you, for they will. Thank you Lord for our many blessings. I ask that you cover us all in your blood. In your name I pray. Amen.

Simply Funny

Who hasn't heard of the famous Bud Abbott and Lou Costello 'Who's on First, What's on Second'
So this is what it might be like if they were here in the computer age!
Funny Read on.....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer...
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou ..
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT : What about Windows?
COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT T : Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT : Wallpaper...
COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT : Software for Windows?
COSTELLO : No, On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT : I just did.
COSTELLO : You just did what?
ABBOTT : Recommend something.
COSTELLO : You recommended something ?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : For my office?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT : Word.
COSTELLO : What word?
ABBOTT : Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT : One copy.
COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............