Hello Anxiety... It's Me Again!

So, I've been doing pretty well with this ride from hell I'm on AKA my Anxiety/Panic disorder.  I'm doing the yoga & breathing.  I'm off all the meds still.  And when I do have that "feeling" coming on, I nip it in the bud before it gets any further.  Walking helps.  Just going for a walk around my property watching the sunset or whatever.

But there is that rare instance......  I had one just the other day.

Hubby and I took Caitlin with us to Home Depot for some part he needed for the RV sink.  I was feeling uneasy the whole ride.  But it happens a lot.  So I kinda fade into the music.  When we got there Hubby just wanted to run in real quick.  I was fine with it since I was still a little funky feeling.  Caitlin wanted to go, but we figured he'd be faster without her.  She was NOT happy!  And when she's not happy, NO ONE is.  She has the worlds worst tantrums! 

So, I was sitting in the Home Dept parking lot, 30 miles from home {AKA the comfort zone when I have these}, just me and Caitlin.  Her screaming and kicking. Then boom, I was having a huge panic attack.  Chest tightening and pain, fingers tingling, nausea, my world's spinning.  And all she could do was scream about not being able to get down.  Hugest tantrum at the worst time ever.  

I had my lorazapam on me, but I knew if I took it it wouldn't be me getting through it, it would be the friggin' pill.  And I really don't want to start that bullshit again.  Being dependent on that crap is horrible!  I know this next part is totally weird and dorky, but it works..sometimes.  I started telling myself "my brain tells my body I'm OK"   I repeated it, I hear my daughter repeating it... I stopped hyperventilating, my chest pains went away and I was starting to feel better. 

This FUCKING SUCKS!!!  My body can fix almost anything wrong.  But I can not fix this.  It will always be.  Always.  I will forever have this stupid stupid really stupid disorder!  What hurts me the most is my daughter saw this.  AND!! she thinks its normal!  My brain fails me.

The effects of a panic attack vary. Some, notably first-time sufferers, may call for emergency services. Many who experience a panic attack, mostly for the first time, fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life. ~Wikipedia 

If you or someone you know suffers from this shitty disorder, I've found tons of help.
If you found a site, please feel free to leave it.  I love bloggers.  We're real when talking about it.  We can help out each other and sometimes understand like our loved ones can't.  


New Photos!

So here goes.  I failed horribly with PS CS5.  I couldn't get anything to work.  I messed around my whole free trial and nada!  I tried downloading the Elements, but for some reason when it was almost done, boom I'd lose connection or something.  Im super impatient so, I said to heck with it.  But I love taking pictures.  I want them to look like fanfriggintastic!  So I'm trying out Picnik's tweaks.  What do you think?

I'm working on getting the %'s right.  I used gritty, vibrance, sharpen, and fancy focus.  I love that all the brainy work is done for me.  Even the drop shadow! 

What programs do you use?  Online or software.  It's only like 5 bucks a month.  So we'll see. 

Nubian Goat Triplets!

How moly!  Have I got news! We welcomed 3 new kids yesterday!  Ahh they are just the sweetest.

I really need to pay better attention, because according to my "calendar" I thought she was only at 130 days.  Which is 20 days too early!  It's kinda hard to tell, my goats love each other and break walls, fences etc to get to each other.  So they could have gotten together earlier than I thought!  LOL.

The kids are healthy, but I haven't been able to get in there good. I was lucky to get just these pictures.  Mama has been very moody and protective with them. I snapped this shot when she went for food. He he he.  I will most definitely keep y'all posted!

100th Day of School

Today is the school's 100th day of school.  My oldest son has his first dance today too.  Appropriately called "The 100th Day Dance."   He was kinda nervous, but he hasn't said so.  You can just tell.  He did wear his favorite button up shirt, it's a Orange County Choppers shirt LOL.

I hate to admit this, because I was such a huge butt about them returning to public school.... BUT  I'm actually glad I did.  Things have calmed down.  Both me AND Hubby have become more involved.  Making most all activities and becoming more of a voice for our children.  Instead of immediately taking the defense, we're opening a dialogue with the staff.   It's helped.  We're working on a great relationship with the principle especially. 

I'm very happy now because a lot of the feedback isn't negative about the kids.  We've addressed my sons ADHD and went about making sure his learning isn't compromised because of it.  My youngest is getting the hang of things too.  When at first it was very apparent he wanted to be home schooled, he's loosened up.
All 3 boys are involved with after school activities, so they're not home til 5:30pm.  Much needed break for me, and hugely needed interaction for them.

I'm glad we didn't give in and gave this a serious try.  I can't believe how far the school has come to meet us half way.  And vise versa.  Ultimately the children's education is what encouraged us all to play nicely.

So far so good.

I still really miss them.  It stinks that they come home with all these new ideas and learnings and I'm not the one responsible for it.  But that's my ego I think.   I still have the kids do projects with me.  Printouts and such on the weekends or breaks.  So I still have that little bit in my life.