Hearing the stories on TV brought back so many memories of what I went through, and in some cases are still going through. Like the prep before leaving the house. I needed at least a couple of hours notice. I couldn't just zoom out the door. If I was rushed I'd have an attack. I had to take a paper bag just in case I started to feel my hands or lips go numb, hyperventilating... lovely. I needed water just in case I got nausea from nerves. My super chill pills, aka lorazapam. Then that was just the start of the trip. From my house to town is about 15 miles. But it might as well be a far as the moon. Nothing but desert for the first 5, a fire house and a couple of convenience stores. I would mentally map out my stops just in case. Where I could go if I started to get that feeling. Nothing like pulling over on the side of the road and needing to "walk it off" in front of your kids. What they must think of crazy ole Mom. Now I'm, for the most part, able to go anywhere. I still need my pills, I never leave home without them. I even drove to the lake...... in the dark.... by myself!!! Well, Hubby was driving the truck right in front of me, but still! I went camping and all without needing a pill. Huge huge steps for me. Considering its only been a year. It was our first time out that far too.
But like I said little by little push by push, its gotten a lot better. I still have them, just not daily. I still have no idea why they come on or what triggers them. I could be in church, at home, a store or driving. No rhyme no reason.
Also, I've been hanging on to the same last 7 pills for the last few months.*applause*... I work through most all my attacks now. Pill- free. Either by breathing, walking, training my focus on something else or a combo of them. It is in no way easy. No way! It takes a lot. But what can you do. You have to get your life back. You have to get you back. But most importantly you have to get your kids mom back. When I feel like I have nothing more to give, I have to find it somewhere inside. Sort of like labor.....you know when the Dr. says, " I see the head!! Big push now!" And your thinking, "look man Ive been giving you big pushes for the last 15 hours!! Leave me alone!! I can't do it anymore!" But you reach beyond anything you thought you had and pop that sucker out lickity split. Yea like that.
Panic attacks are hard to describe and even harder for an outsider to believe and understand.. A feeling of shear fear, helplessness and hopelessness. Your world is minimized to practically nothing. A once outgoing, bubbly social person becomes quiet and alone. It steals your very essence... What makes you you is suddenly gone. And you have no idea how to get it back.