Hello Anxiety... It's Me Again!

So, I've been doing pretty well with this ride from hell I'm on AKA my Anxiety/Panic disorder.  I'm doing the yoga & breathing.  I'm off all the meds still.  And when I do have that "feeling" coming on, I nip it in the bud before it gets any further.  Walking helps.  Just going for a walk around my property watching the sunset or whatever.

But there is that rare instance......  I had one just the other day.

Hubby and I took Caitlin with us to Home Depot for some part he needed for the RV sink.  I was feeling uneasy the whole ride.  But it happens a lot.  So I kinda fade into the music.  When we got there Hubby just wanted to run in real quick.  I was fine with it since I was still a little funky feeling.  Caitlin wanted to go, but we figured he'd be faster without her.  She was NOT happy!  And when she's not happy, NO ONE is.  She has the worlds worst tantrums! 

So, I was sitting in the Home Dept parking lot, 30 miles from home {AKA the comfort zone when I have these}, just me and Caitlin.  Her screaming and kicking. Then boom, I was having a huge panic attack.  Chest tightening and pain, fingers tingling, nausea, my world's spinning.  And all she could do was scream about not being able to get down.  Hugest tantrum at the worst time ever.  

I had my lorazapam on me, but I knew if I took it it wouldn't be me getting through it, it would be the friggin' pill.  And I really don't want to start that bullshit again.  Being dependent on that crap is horrible!  I know this next part is totally weird and dorky, but it works..sometimes.  I started telling myself "my brain tells my body I'm OK"   I repeated it, I hear my daughter repeating it... I stopped hyperventilating, my chest pains went away and I was starting to feel better. 

This FUCKING SUCKS!!!  My body can fix almost anything wrong.  But I can not fix this.  It will always be.  Always.  I will forever have this stupid stupid really stupid disorder!  What hurts me the most is my daughter saw this.  AND!! she thinks its normal!  My brain fails me.

The effects of a panic attack vary. Some, notably first-time sufferers, may call for emergency services. Many who experience a panic attack, mostly for the first time, fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life. ~Wikipedia 

If you or someone you know suffers from this shitty disorder, I've found tons of help.
If you found a site, please feel free to leave it.  I love bloggers.  We're real when talking about it.  We can help out each other and sometimes understand like our loved ones can't.  

http://www.adaa.org/
http://www.causesofpanicattacks.org/
http://anxietypanicattacksblog.com
http://www.ontheverge6.com/
http://panicanddepression.blogspot.com/
http://anxiousnomore.blogspot.com/

Anxious on Discovery Health

I just finished watching Anxious on Disc Health....... wow. Its sad to see such a mirror vision of yourself and how others are affected by it. Another reason I'm thankful to have such an incredible support system. Without Hubby pushing me past "my limits", my safe zone would still be my property and nothing more. My day would be filled with the fear of a returning attack or the attack itself. Followed by tears and finally sleep.

Hearing the stories on TV brought back so many memories of what I went through, and in some cases are still going through. Like the prep before leaving the house. I needed at least a couple of hours notice. I couldn't just zoom out the door. If I was rushed I'd have an attack. I had to take a paper bag just in case I started to feel my hands or lips go numb, hyperventilating... lovely. I needed water just in case I got nausea from nerves. My super chill pills, aka lorazapam. Then that was just the start of the trip. From my house to town is about 15 miles. But it might as well be a far as the moon. Nothing but desert for the first 5, a fire house and a couple of convenience stores. I would mentally map out my stops just in case. Where I could go if I started to get that feeling. Nothing like pulling over on the side of the road and needing to "walk it off" in front of your kids. What they must think of crazy ole Mom. Now I'm, for the most part, able to go anywhere.  I still need my pills, I never leave home without them.  I even drove to the lake...... in the dark.... by myself!!!  Well, Hubby was driving the truck right in front of me, but still!    I went camping and all without needing a pill.  Huge huge steps for me.  Considering its only been a year.  It was our first time out that far too. 

But like I said little by little push by push, its gotten a lot better. I still have them, just not daily. I still have no idea why they come on or what triggers them.  I could be in church, at home, a store or driving.  No rhyme no reason. 

Also, I've been hanging on to the same last 7 pills for the last few months.*applause*... I work through most all my attacks now. Pill- free. Either by breathing, walking, training my focus on something else or a combo of them.   It is in no way easy. No way! It takes a lot.  But what can you do.  You have to get your life back. You have to get you back.  But most importantly you have to get your kids mom back.  When I feel like I have nothing more to give, I have to find it somewhere inside.   Sort of like labor.....you know when the Dr. says, " I see the head!!  Big push now!"  And your thinking,  "look man Ive been giving you big pushes for the last 15 hours!!  Leave me alone!!  I can't do it anymore!"  But you reach beyond anything you thought you had and pop that sucker out lickity split.  Yea like that. 

Panic attacks are hard to describe and even harder for an outsider to believe and understand.. A feeling of shear fear, helplessness and hopelessness. Your world is minimized to practically nothing. A once outgoing, bubbly social person becomes quiet and alone.  It steals your very essence... What makes you  you is suddenly gone.  And you have no idea how to get it back.

In The Raw

So this is where it gets raw. I've been juggling this anxiety problem for the last 5 months. I don't know how it started or what brought it on. Or even how to control it. Working lessens it. But it's also contributed to it. The pills help, but are also addictive. Meditation and breathing helps, but it's hard to meditate in the grocery store. I was told that I should journal, but I can't even find the time to blog, which is my journal.

At first, I was told the uneasiness I feel in big groups, social outings, public places and even family BBQ's was social anxiety. But who doesn't get kinda uneasy around people before you start to "loosen up"? I love being out, shopping, hanging out and just living. Now, I no longer do them.. At least not like it was. Now I need my "super pills" with me or I don't make it out my door. That's agoraphobic right. SO now we have social phobia, agoraphobia.... and...

Apparently also because of that first panic attack where I hyperventilated and rushed to the hospital like a dumb a**..... I have a panic phobia...Afraid of having another panic attack... Which I've had countless times in the beginning, trying to figure out WTF was wrong. Even went to a cardiologist..Yup... Getting the idea..

So it's been a while I've been on track only here and there panics. Not daily anymore thank goodness. I'm getting out the door easier and once I even FORGOT my emergency pills!!! 30 miles from home and I was fine!

Hubby and I went to help move a truck for my Dad. It's a beat up old Ford. Didn't run, had to put tires on it to push. You know the kind, why do men keep this things? They needed someone to steer it while they aligned it up to the trailer. I was the lucky one. I hopped right in to this truck that hadn't moved in years!! Slammed the door and steered. Well, I steered wrong and I was pressed up against some debris by my door. Meanwhile, Wyatt the lil' man he is is playing with the stick shift making vroom vroom noises. We wait... All this junk inside the truck is preventing me from seeing out the other window. I was fine though.. Just helping out. I got kinda hot and tired of waiting to see the guys next move so I thought I'd jump out and see what the hold up was....

The door doesn't open from the inside.. Great, old truck why would it? So I go to roll the window down....Nope... Doesn't work.. Hmmm.. I look around no way out... Except to jump the mountain of junk on the other side that's piled up. .. Could I even fit I'm thinking? Wyatts still oblivious to Mommas panic. I thought I'll break the window.... I'll just pay Dad back, at least I'd be out.. My heart starts racing, my pills are inside on top of the china cabinet! What to do!! I'm seriously in panic at this point... I see my Dad and he asks, "The door won't open?" I shook my head no, I felt like screaming HELP ME DADDY!!! But I couldn't speak. My son's there with me and I don't want to freak him out.... But I just can't take it anymore! I toss him aside, squeeze my ass over the mountain and pray the other handle works!

It did.. and I'm free!!

So now to catch you up that's, social, open spaces, panic and claustrophobia! Seriously this sh** is really pissing me off. Why is my only question? Why can't it be like it was, carefree and fun pill-free? Hubby and I use to love just up and leaving whenever where ever our hearts desire. Now I have to worry about pills and paper bags.

Anxiety UGH!

So, in the end of May I was told I had anxiety......
I wasn't feeling well and I had asked my Hubby to take me to the ER. On our way there I noticed my hands getting numb, lips and feet went numb to. I freaked out Hubby freaked out. We ran red lights, sure I was having a stroke or something. I run into the ER and since my lips were numb my words came out kinda funny. They took me into the back and asked my history, etc. One lady gave me a bag to breathe into and said I was hyper-ventilating...... Yea right I thought, I'm having a friggin stroke! But, it worked. The feeling came back to my extremities and I was feeling a lot better.

The DR. asked if I ever had anxiety attacks. I said no. Have you ever felt uneasy in a place for no reason he asked. Of course I said. Turns out what I've been feeling since God knows when was small anxiety attacks. Hmmm interesting. He gave me some meds and sent me on my way. After many tests showed I was fine.

Now it seems darn near everyday since I have attacks. For no reason. I can be sitting at home comfy and watching TV and boom! I have to get up, walk around the property, deep breathe and try to calm myself. If Hubby's there, I lie on his chest and breathe with him. He holds me and massage my shoulders. Sometimes it works sometimes I just need a pill. Problem with the pills are they knock me out! I've downgraded myself to half a mg. Because I can't be passing out every time I take my "chill" pill. That's the perfect amount for me. Unless it's full blown, hyper ventilating and then its 1mg.

Funny thing is, when I'm having an attack I swear I'm gonna die. I think OMG this is a heart attack and no ones catching it.. Something isn't right... I've even called an ambulance a couple of times. They all say the same thing as the ER dr. and my dr. I'm fine... It's a panic attack. SO I felt dumb for calling.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could just "get over it". They also put me on anti- depression meds. Which I never thought I was depressed. I always thought of me as an uppy type. Goofy and happy. Now that I started taking those fuckers if I miss a dose I cry for no reason???? Totally not me. So, I'm getting off those. It's the attacks that are making me depressed I think. Who wants to be panicking all the time. I can't even go down the street without taking my pill bottle with me, some water and a paper bag "just in case".

It really interrupts your life. I was having a blast at the bowling alley with the family and outta nowhere I get one right in front of everyone. Church, the most calming place of all, got one there.

I went my whole life just fine, then outta nowhere I get this. It's confusing...

I'm learning as I go, finding whatever I can on this. So far, it's just telling myself "everythings ok. this too will pass."