In The Raw

So this is where it gets raw. I've been juggling this anxiety problem for the last 5 months. I don't know how it started or what brought it on. Or even how to control it. Working lessens it. But it's also contributed to it. The pills help, but are also addictive. Meditation and breathing helps, but it's hard to meditate in the grocery store. I was told that I should journal, but I can't even find the time to blog, which is my journal.

At first, I was told the uneasiness I feel in big groups, social outings, public places and even family BBQ's was social anxiety. But who doesn't get kinda uneasy around people before you start to "loosen up"? I love being out, shopping, hanging out and just living. Now, I no longer do them.. At least not like it was. Now I need my "super pills" with me or I don't make it out my door. That's agoraphobic right. SO now we have social phobia, agoraphobia.... and...

Apparently also because of that first panic attack where I hyperventilated and rushed to the hospital like a dumb a**..... I have a panic phobia...Afraid of having another panic attack... Which I've had countless times in the beginning, trying to figure out WTF was wrong. Even went to a cardiologist..Yup... Getting the idea..

So it's been a while I've been on track only here and there panics. Not daily anymore thank goodness. I'm getting out the door easier and once I even FORGOT my emergency pills!!! 30 miles from home and I was fine!

Hubby and I went to help move a truck for my Dad. It's a beat up old Ford. Didn't run, had to put tires on it to push. You know the kind, why do men keep this things? They needed someone to steer it while they aligned it up to the trailer. I was the lucky one. I hopped right in to this truck that hadn't moved in years!! Slammed the door and steered. Well, I steered wrong and I was pressed up against some debris by my door. Meanwhile, Wyatt the lil' man he is is playing with the stick shift making vroom vroom noises. We wait... All this junk inside the truck is preventing me from seeing out the other window. I was fine though.. Just helping out. I got kinda hot and tired of waiting to see the guys next move so I thought I'd jump out and see what the hold up was....

The door doesn't open from the inside.. Great, old truck why would it? So I go to roll the window down....Nope... Doesn't work.. Hmmm.. I look around no way out... Except to jump the mountain of junk on the other side that's piled up. .. Could I even fit I'm thinking? Wyatts still oblivious to Mommas panic. I thought I'll break the window.... I'll just pay Dad back, at least I'd be out.. My heart starts racing, my pills are inside on top of the china cabinet! What to do!! I'm seriously in panic at this point... I see my Dad and he asks, "The door won't open?" I shook my head no, I felt like screaming HELP ME DADDY!!! But I couldn't speak. My son's there with me and I don't want to freak him out.... But I just can't take it anymore! I toss him aside, squeeze my ass over the mountain and pray the other handle works!

It did.. and I'm free!!

So now to catch you up that's, social, open spaces, panic and claustrophobia! Seriously this sh** is really pissing me off. Why is my only question? Why can't it be like it was, carefree and fun pill-free? Hubby and I use to love just up and leaving whenever where ever our hearts desire. Now I have to worry about pills and paper bags.